Your exposition of the feelings around "there" and "here" were so clear and palpable, feelings that are becoming unwanted house guests in my world. Your candor in naming reality was relieving and comforting.
Even though I know staying put is the solution, and not running away, what is so frustrating for me is the realization does not change the feelings. And sometimes the feelings stay for awhile. But God has really been working in me to accept the gift that is life and true embrace of this gift is welcoming all that it is, good, bad, ugly and divine. Which requires welcoming even these feelings and sitting with them long enough to hear what they are saying.
Thanks Kyle! Yes, I agree, the fact that we can recognize and understand our behaviors and temptations without actually overcoming them is very annoying. But by Grace, we slowly do get better and better each time we take a breath and recognize reality.
I grapple with this temptation at various times and in various ways a LOT. When i was a kid it manifested as i would deconstruct my favorite toys. In college i would spend hours unfriending people on socials (been off facebook 10 years now!) and now it manifests as wanting to run away as a hermit somewhere.
What keeps me from moving is always a combination of three prongs that take turns stickin’ me. 1- hope: it wont be all bad forever. 2- i have retroactively learned this is one of ignatius’ 14 rules, dont make changes in the height if emotional distress. 3- it would be harder than i realize.
Now, finding ourselves communityless isnt a failure either and it does happen, but it takes work and also trust in God to make it happen.
That second point is always the kicker for me, because the desire to isolate myself and run away always crops up when I’m in emotional distress, usually because of those four things I mention at the top - hunger, tiredness, stress, and/or loneliness. Reminding myself that I’m not thinking straight goes a long way to making myself sit down and stop packing my bags.
JASON. This is so good. And so incredibly familiar. I've found that my temptation toward departure is a way of trying to take uncertainties and discomfort out of a situation - one of the reasons I try to continue sticking with the internet, despite wrestling with the pros & cons of modern tech. I sometimes have a temptation to go full-on analog, but I think it's probably better for me to learn to manage it, instead of just leave it.
There was a book I read - maybe it was by an Orthodox priest? I need to find the quote... - that talked about our tendency online to cleave off parts of our personalities into separate little online personas, and in doing so, the internet becomes a space for our self-identity, rather than God. ACK! Spooky stuff.
Lots of good themes here. I was initially reminded of C. S. Lewis’ vision of hell in The Great Divorce where all the souls are isolated.
My enneagram tendency is towards isolation and so my growth curve is to not retreat but to engage even when it’s terrifying.
Leaving “here” for “there.” I agree with this train of thought intellectually but 2 years ago I walked away from ministry because I could no longer reconcile what I was told I had to believe with what I actually believed. There was more to it than that but I look back now and am grateful for other excuses to step away from toxic control. I could no longer stay “here.” I still live in the same town, so there is still a sense of who I am, especially where I am & what I am. No longer defined necessarily by a specific title or role but a greater awareness & comfort in my own skin.
Good point! I suppose there are caveats for when "here" is actually very bad for you, whether it's an abusive relationship, bad job, or detrimental community. I'm glad you got out of that!
Thank you for that insight. Funny you bring that up. Yes, there have been a few literal hermits in Michigan, permission given by their Bishops but they are well directed. I'm married so I'm in that state, but there was a time when I seriously wanted to run away and become a member of the Trinitarians of Mary in Mexico and bring the family. They are contemplative but not cloistered. It was a crazy, love, drunken-holy-spirit moment. My husband said, "You wanna do WHAT!" At 3:00 in the morning when i asked. And then I denied even bringing it up because once I said it a loud, it
did seem crazy-weird.
But as a lay person, we are all called to a life with a relationship with Jesus as deep
as any cloistered religious. St Catherine of Siena was a lay Dominican. I'm now in formation to be Secular decalced Carmelite.
I pretty much do that when in Contemplative prayer. I do a Contemplative rosary, then the Liturgy of the hours morning and evening prayers. Then do silent alone time w Jesus. I mostly read classic stuff or the Magnificant.
I also needed this in a particular way; with one thing and another I don't have much of a "third place" anymore, and that is a temptation. This really spoke to me.
I needed this. I never thought of isolation quite as a temptation, but it makes so much sense.
Hey guess what? I needed to read this just now.
Thank you, brother.
And I needed to write it! Funny how God works with that, huh?
Thank you for these reflections, Jason.
Your exposition of the feelings around "there" and "here" were so clear and palpable, feelings that are becoming unwanted house guests in my world. Your candor in naming reality was relieving and comforting.
Even though I know staying put is the solution, and not running away, what is so frustrating for me is the realization does not change the feelings. And sometimes the feelings stay for awhile. But God has really been working in me to accept the gift that is life and true embrace of this gift is welcoming all that it is, good, bad, ugly and divine. Which requires welcoming even these feelings and sitting with them long enough to hear what they are saying.
Thanks Kyle! Yes, I agree, the fact that we can recognize and understand our behaviors and temptations without actually overcoming them is very annoying. But by Grace, we slowly do get better and better each time we take a breath and recognize reality.
I grapple with this temptation at various times and in various ways a LOT. When i was a kid it manifested as i would deconstruct my favorite toys. In college i would spend hours unfriending people on socials (been off facebook 10 years now!) and now it manifests as wanting to run away as a hermit somewhere.
What keeps me from moving is always a combination of three prongs that take turns stickin’ me. 1- hope: it wont be all bad forever. 2- i have retroactively learned this is one of ignatius’ 14 rules, dont make changes in the height if emotional distress. 3- it would be harder than i realize.
Now, finding ourselves communityless isnt a failure either and it does happen, but it takes work and also trust in God to make it happen.
That second point is always the kicker for me, because the desire to isolate myself and run away always crops up when I’m in emotional distress, usually because of those four things I mention at the top - hunger, tiredness, stress, and/or loneliness. Reminding myself that I’m not thinking straight goes a long way to making myself sit down and stop packing my bags.
JASON. This is so good. And so incredibly familiar. I've found that my temptation toward departure is a way of trying to take uncertainties and discomfort out of a situation - one of the reasons I try to continue sticking with the internet, despite wrestling with the pros & cons of modern tech. I sometimes have a temptation to go full-on analog, but I think it's probably better for me to learn to manage it, instead of just leave it.
There was a book I read - maybe it was by an Orthodox priest? I need to find the quote... - that talked about our tendency online to cleave off parts of our personalities into separate little online personas, and in doing so, the internet becomes a space for our self-identity, rather than God. ACK! Spooky stuff.
Lots of good themes here. I was initially reminded of C. S. Lewis’ vision of hell in The Great Divorce where all the souls are isolated.
My enneagram tendency is towards isolation and so my growth curve is to not retreat but to engage even when it’s terrifying.
Leaving “here” for “there.” I agree with this train of thought intellectually but 2 years ago I walked away from ministry because I could no longer reconcile what I was told I had to believe with what I actually believed. There was more to it than that but I look back now and am grateful for other excuses to step away from toxic control. I could no longer stay “here.” I still live in the same town, so there is still a sense of who I am, especially where I am & what I am. No longer defined necessarily by a specific title or role but a greater awareness & comfort in my own skin.
Good point! I suppose there are caveats for when "here" is actually very bad for you, whether it's an abusive relationship, bad job, or detrimental community. I'm glad you got out of that!
I just want silence and alone time with Jesus. Too much to ask?
Have you considered a call to the religious life? I wrote this with the sure knowledge that I am not meant to be a hermit, they do exist though!
Thank you for that insight. Funny you bring that up. Yes, there have been a few literal hermits in Michigan, permission given by their Bishops but they are well directed. I'm married so I'm in that state, but there was a time when I seriously wanted to run away and become a member of the Trinitarians of Mary in Mexico and bring the family. They are contemplative but not cloistered. It was a crazy, love, drunken-holy-spirit moment. My husband said, "You wanna do WHAT!" At 3:00 in the morning when i asked. And then I denied even bringing it up because once I said it a loud, it
did seem crazy-weird.
But as a lay person, we are all called to a life with a relationship with Jesus as deep
as any cloistered religious. St Catherine of Siena was a lay Dominican. I'm now in formation to be Secular decalced Carmelite.
I pretty much do that when in Contemplative prayer. I do a Contemplative rosary, then the Liturgy of the hours morning and evening prayers. Then do silent alone time w Jesus. I mostly read classic stuff or the Magnificant.
Blessings.
I also needed this in a particular way; with one thing and another I don't have much of a "third place" anymore, and that is a temptation. This really spoke to me.
I don’t need Lent for this. lol. This is me every day. Always one foot out the door.